Tuesday, May 24, 2005


I hate sitting still. I hate being unsure about where I will be in 4 months. I hate major life decisions.

I have this uneasy feeling of being cut off from the world. It is completely irrational; I know. (so in some sense I employ here the 'talking cure': talk about what is driving me crazy, realized directly the irrationality of my 'problems' which I already know intellectually, and poof, they disappear.)

[laughs.... not sure where to begin...] Well, I suppose 'now' is as good a time as any to begin.

Why am I 'sitting still'? Well, it isn't that my current life is devoid of projects, things to complete, things to start. It's not that my past has become irreconcilable with my present or future hopes. It is the future that is bothering me. The future, which is, as it should be, not normally something I fret about. But now I am at a crossroad, and oddly enough (perhaps not) this uncertainty about the future has me a bit dazed and confused in the present.

I could go on for another Masters Degree (in Philosophy)... back in Montana... More debt, I don't like debt. But I LOOOOVE philosophy. I could stay here (England) and look for work (teaching Religious Ed. in high-schools seems possible). I could go back to Montana and look for work while looking into Ph.D. stuff or other work (Peace Corps, Japan English Teaching).

All options LOOK good... But none is PULLING me, or so it seems; and hence the stagnation in the present. So this is my stagnation, my uncertainty, my life-decision.

And perhaps the problem isn't there at all, but rather it is my desire for something to pull me. Can I accept this world of possibility just as it is? [cringes] mmm.... rggg... I don't know.

I'm not sure this 'talking-cure' thing is working :) [laughing...]

I suppose I'm not really sitting still, after all. Whether I like it or not, I'm going forward. So I might as well enjoy the ride. And no matter how sure I think I am at any time, I never really know where I'll be in four months. And it would seem that no MAJOR life decisions need to be made now... I'll go back to UM. I'll look at alternatives though, and see what comes along. I have motion again.

I love philosophy, and in truth I shouldn't even have to contemplate passing up an opportunity to study it for two more years. It opens up new universes in thought for me... I constantly walk away from lectures, books, papers, and conversations with peers feeling as though I am nearer to some understanding that beckons me, almost religiously... So... Damn it all... Debt is a burden, yes, but I can carry it... I must. [sigh]


Ok... so maybe it has worked... back to Sanskrit studies... jw


D said...

I think whatever's right for you will "pull" you when you get close enough. Maybe you haven't thought of it yet?

Buddhist_philosopher said...

I think you're right. Until then... I do have my projects, and on them I shall focus.... and bring them to life. And with them, myself.